I wish I could …

21 Oct

… write something, finish something, but I am just unable to. I have tried and tried. It makes me so unhappy. Angry. Frustrated.

I have a huge backlog of posts I’ve started – on issues that are really important to me – but I just can’t focus or concentrate enough to coalesce them into finished posts. It’s like mental torture. It’s like … the final piece of the puzzle won’t fit into place.

And, the more I can’t finish posts, the more the dates (like Stoptober, like World Mental Health Day on 10th October, like anticipating Halloween) pass and the potential posts become outdated and irrelevant. My contribution to debates I really care about fades away to nothing. I contribute … nothing, other than what fleetingly passes on twitter.

The more I can’t finish the posts (or sometimes even get them started), the more the ideas – poured out with passion on twitter – fall back into the fog: if I don’t write them up that day (or very soon after), they’re gone. Apart from Storify stories. There are so many Storify stories saved that I want to turn into blog posts.

The truth is, I’m really not doing so well at the moment. I’ve been really struggling for months. I had dodgy patches in April and the again in June, and today it’s really hit me that this is another dodgy patch too. I’m really not doing so well at the moment and all I can do, most days, is focus on getting to the end of the day. I don’t write much about me and that’s often because I’m really struggling. Now is one of those times.

I wish that, even though everything else seems to be going down the tubes, at least I could write. Sometimes I’d look back over posts and think, “Ooh, did I write that? It’s not bad. It might even be good!” That satisfaction, that achievement, is denied me at present. I wish I could …

I’m just going to post this now and put my frustration out there. It’s like torture.

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5 Responses to “I wish I could …”

  1. heartsetonliving 21 October 2014 at 11:39 pm #

    You write brilliantly, you tweet brilliantly. I think you contribute a great deal whether or not you’re able to blog. I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling. I hope you have support. We have connected in the past on Twitter under my real name and we have mutual Twitter friends. I have since locked my account but I’ve often wished that you followed me so that I could respond in support of your tweets. I know how it feels to be struggling to write and to feel that you can’t keep up when you so want to do so. Take care of yourself for now, that matters most. I hope you find respite from the rough patch.

  2. jaynel62 22 October 2014 at 7:44 am #

    Empathy – I’m finding myself in just this place so often xx

  3. theprozacqueen 23 October 2014 at 12:30 am #

    You stated exactly what goes on in my mind. I have so many blog posts in the works, as well as article, screenwriting projects, stories in my head…it’s so ridiculous, I will get all up in a project but can never finish it. Some of my friends have stopped asking me what I’m working on or telling me I “should write a ….” because they can see it upsets me to not be able to give any concrete answers. I’m glad to see I’m not the only one here.

    Greetings from Georgia, US.

  4. theprozacqueen 23 October 2014 at 12:33 am #

    Sorry for the double comment…pressed send too quickly. My blog has several posts about bipolar and other mental health issues too. The name pretty much sums up my life.

    Blessings

  5. Gavin 29 October 2014 at 11:54 am #

    I struggled with depression for 20 years that cost me every job I tried to do, probably other things as well. I have been very fortunate in the last 8 months in that I have found something that seems to work for me.

    Even though I am now doing very well I still find days where I need to relax and get away from things for a while. I guess that I am trying to say is that even people unencumbered with mental-health issues have a difficult time completing all the tasks they have to do. For those who have the additional problems it is much, much harder … so try to give yourself permission to take the time you need to recover. I know that the stresses of being productive, finding money for food and rent and daily life make taking time out difficult .. but everyone needs to put themselves first sometimes. It is Ok to do that.

    I also think that ideas, although hard to come by are only the start of the journey. Once you have the idea the execution then takes a LOT of additional effort. This means that it is normal to have ideas piling up on top of each other … to feel like your mind is 3,4 or 5 steps ahead of reality. It is normal to have blog posts half finished, to have business ideas that never see the light of day – there is nothing wrong with that.

    I found your blog through Twitter and joined your mailing list. You must have been saying something that caught my attention or I would not be here to make this comment. Try to take it easy and that pile of ideas will look more manageable another day, for now … put them to one side. They will still be there if you decide to return to them, and there will be another Stoptober and another World Mental Health Day. Think of those half-finished articles as a head start for next year .. or the year after.

    I hope you manage to get through whatever patch you are going through – good luck.

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